I Don't Know What I Am Doing In Life

Almost every morning as I rub my eyes, forcing myself out of the bed, I have this question ‘Do I really need the money?’ Is it not for all we struggle? Well, getting up early and reaching on time to office is a struggle for every working professional.  

I have started working and it has been 3 years now I guess, I wouldn’t deny achieving some personal growth and professional mannerisms, but they all aren’t really convincing or motivating either. Right now at this point in life, where settlement is a taken for granted stage to achieve, we are searching where do we even fit. I do not really know what I want to do in life, other than travel in my breaks. But what do I need breaks from? What do I want in my routine? What do I want as my job to excel in?

At 24, where our far relative society is just waiting to see you committed, I am not even committed to my career? I really do not know what I want as my description to be in future… correspondent, senior-editor, content executive, content manager, and so many other posts of the hierarchy I might fit into but I am so unsure. Knowing that I am capable, unable to figure out in what?

When recently my family expressed of how I do not have a career in place, how they do not know where I'll settle into, when will I earn what I deserve and not what I desire, it hit me like a blizzard. Being a studious one all my life, impressing with higher percentage and ranks, at this point, I was just like the many others… not having the answers to their ‘what are you doing my child?’

You realise every day that you are not a child anymore, you cannot take long to make decisions, you cannot dictate all your terms and conditions, you cannot have your liberties. All you now have are insecurities. Working parents are nearing retirement and it is unsaid that you need to support yourself if not them. They may have their pension plans in place but you are still figuring where to invest. You may not have that much financial pressures but you cannot be oblivious of the facts, you're growing older. You are supposed to be responsible and that is too much of a responsibility. 

The entire year of 2016 has been passing in a blink, blink and it is the 9^th month, blink and 10 days of it have been passed! We all thought of doing something productive over the year, while some ended up just chasing the tail.

There is so much pressure of making the ‘right’ choices, but who gets to decide these ‘rights?’ A boss’s right salary is not right for you, a job location/time may not be right for your parents, a work culture may not be right for a person that you are, the pros that you think of a decision just maybe the cons you didn’t foresee. You know you are one decision away, but making that one!

In all of these, while you struggle to find your ground, others have started building their towers of name and reputation. Where does that leave you? The ‘I don’t give a fuck’ attitude might work in some places and relationships, but in the real zone of dealing with yourself every day and providing for the family sooner or later, you need to even be careful of using the F-word!  

To honestly answer where do I see myself in 5 years, I’d say 2021. Sorry, not sorry! But I really do not know what I am going to be and where? That scares my parents more than me and it is valid. But definitely not the kind to just settle for a richer man and depend on his income for my expenses.

For now I am not exactly scared, I am ready to take the plunge, switch my job, but I don’t know the fuck where, why and how! But I know the answer to the question I posed at the start, unfortunately, I really do need to earn the money. Here I know I can write but somehow my own story has come to a standstill.